Distracted Discourse

Today in acting I had to give a monologue. My heart began pounding before I even got onstage. I climbed up and my legs felt weak. I tried to take a deep breath, but it turned out shallow. I said my name. I drifted away as I read the words on the paper aloud. Songs played in my head, and suddenly I felt like I could breathe again, though I thought my heart would pound out of my chest. I finished reading and applause broke out. I half smiled and hurried offstage. My professor said that I had an interesting voice and that I read very well. The overall experience was like telling someone you're in love with them. It made me very uneasy. I know, I'm funny, and loud, and odd, and fantastically creative, but I also know that all of that is 100% for my very own personal amusement. I don't care if people find me to be funny or odd or interesting. I just like to be left in peace to do my own thing and I hate to be carefully observed. It makes me far too nervous. As I walked out of the classroom, my knees were shaking and mt heart was still pounding.

Tonight at work this guy kept staring at me and it was totally freaking me out. Everywhere I went, I knew he was sitting there staring at me. It made me want to yell at him to stop staring at me, only I was at work so I couldn't. Don't get me wrong, he was a pretty hot guy and all...just the way he kept looking at me was totally creeping me out. Then I considered staring right back at him unitil he looked away, only I'm not that assertive. He finally got up and left and stared at me as he walked out of the restaurant......about two hours later, I walked over to a table of four young adults who were obviously not from the ATL. I told them it was last call and this girl just sat and gave me this awful look, like I was Satan or something. Then she asked if I was kidding. "Yep, I sure was. HA! Gotcha!" What a dumbfuck. I kinda thought it was hot when she gave me that really awful look though.

A FEW THINGS:

My name is Miranda and I'm a bookaholic. I have a horrible book addiction. Today I spent $45 on books. I've bought 6 books this week already. That's almost a book a day. This is a sickness...but I now own "Infinite Jest", "Beautiful Losers", and "Sophie's World."

Today I started an official pirate rock band. It's called "Pillage and Plunder". I am the accordian player/Pirate Wench/Singer. This should play out fabulously.

Before getting on the elevator at my apartments, I was yelling at Armon "Bitch you don't know me! You don't know me!" I was totally oblivious to the fact that we were surrounded by large black men. Then the black men started laughing and saying things like, "Aw Sit! She Told Him! Aw, Damn!"

Today I bought a change purse that was shaped like a cow and said, "moo lah". It made me laugh for a good fivew minutes....then that reminded me of the interupting cow joke and that made me laugh for another five minutes!

There's noting quite like taking off your bra and finding a wad of money.

HIM: You must have been an only child.
ME: Actually, I was the oldest.
HIM: Oh, how many brothers and sisters you got?
ME: One brother and one sister.
HIM: How old are they?
ME: My sister is 14 and my brother's 17. hey, why'd you ask if I was an only child? Because I'm loud and odd and creative?
HIM: No, you just know how to amuse yourself, that's all.
ME: NO, I was the oldest. I was just an akward fat kid with braces, glasses, and headgear.
HIM: I don't believe that.
ME: You can believe whatever you want.

Today was awesome. There was a huge thunderstorm that I played in after work. After getting rain drenched I decided to jump in the pool...while wearing my nice black work clothes. My shoes went swimming. It was great.

My college English class is killing me. My professor told me to write a paper on things that suck, so I asked if I could write about U.S. Foreign Policy and he said, "That's not very fun." So then I asked if I could write about the AIDS crisis in Africa and he turned me down again. "Why don't you try writing about reality Tv, or frat boys, or Creed?" He wants me to think more shallow. I'm confused and my brain hurts. I thought I was in college.

Damn you AOL for not letting me change my screen name to UnintelligentBanter! I must now resort to being SeeminglyWitty.

My dad just did a keg stand for Father's Day and I got PICTURES!!!! They will be posted as soon as he learns how to e-mail them to me. YES!!!

I LIVE IN A MOVIE.

Yesterday I was hanging out with the boys while they were all tripping. We walked to the playground of an elementary school to go take play frisbee. Once we got there we stopped for the photo ops. (boy under sign saying, "This school is too cool to do drugs.") Then we continued on to the playground, where I climed too high and got kinda atuck and we played frisbee. A few minutes after all this, a pack of little jewish kids in kippas came and chased us away. They kept asking our names, so I said "I'm Mindy" then I pointed to one of the guys and said, "That's Billy." As we were walking away, some crazy random teenager (who I think was actually from the set of "Rebel Without a Cause: The Remake") came flashing by on his Suzuki crotch rocket, did a 360 around the playground, got some a on a small dirt mound and then sped away. That one about did my tripping friends in, we were laughing so hard...until...we looked back and saw that the pack of jewish kids was following us...we walked faster...they walked faster...we started running...they bagan running after us, arms flailing, and they were screaming at us. The boys bagan to yell back at the seemingly angry children. "GO HOME!" the children kept yelling at us. he yelled back, "WE HAVE TO GO HOME! OUR MOM CALLED US!! SHE MADE PEANUTBUTTER AND JELLY SANDWITCHES WITH ORANGE SLICES!!!" That did it for me. I began laughing too hard to run. I was gasping for air...the children were catching up. One of the guys said, "They can't leave the playground, we just have to get past the gate." We finally made it up the hill and out to safety, while the children stayed at the gate yelling at us as we walked away.

Things I thought about today...

1.) Being a news anchor woman.
2.) Starting a fight club with Armon, until we realized that people would just think he was beating me.
3.) How funny drunken lesbians are.
4.) It's inevitable that if I wear a black shirt, I will get whipped cream on my nipple.
5.) Men who hit on other women in front of their dates.
6.) How to be forward.
7.) Why stand-up comic and alcoholic are synonomous
8.) How many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
9.) Why did my Dad give me 9 mangos?
10.) My nurse was wearing Dickies scrubs yesterday.

Last night I got embarrassingly drunk on margaritas with a very old friend and made a total fool of myself. We were both stupidly drunk, so it was kind of ok, only I totally harrassed him. I'm staying sober for a while now....Sorry I'm a drunken idiot, thank you for pushing me away and putting me to bed.

So, either today's my birthday, or my dad feels really bad for me because the doctors told him today that I had a stroke. Whatever the reason may be, I got a new purse, wallet and he's buying me a cell phone tomorrow (which I might actually answer, you never know). In better news, I feels like a million bucks! I have the best idea ever, which I shan't reveal just yet. I'll have to wait and see how it all pans out.

P.S. G-d, if this stroke crap is a sick joke I'm invincible.

Tricky doctors, they didn't tell me what the test included because I'm pretty sure if they did I wouldn't have shown up, and I think they knew that. I went in and they knocked me out halfway, so that I was still awake only I couldn't feel it, then they shoved a tube down my throat. It was icky, and the drugs weren't even good. Then I came home and was really dizzy and I vomited all day. Sexy.

I am so ill. I hate hospitals. Also, I banged up my knee really bad. Finally something's more bruised than my ego.

I have no more secrets. And this kills me.

When you've gone most of your life not being pretty and then you turn pretty, it's hard for other people to believe that you don't think that you're pretty sometimes. "Surely she must be kidding." "Or fishing for compliments." "That egotistical, narssistic bitch."

AND SHE SHALL BE MY FIRST VICTIM

I'm going to be such a health guru. And NOBODY better copy my awesome ideas! First I'm gonna kick some ass with the food fight diet, where instead of eating your food, you fight with it and victoriously lick the remainders off the loser (burning more calories then you consume), then I'm gonna get rich with my Sexercise video tapes. The tapes will demonstrate the perfect postions, to tone, build muscle and prrovide a cardiovasular workout, while getting off. Sometimes, I'm so fucking smart I amaze myself.

And then I forgot the weekend...

My roommate was mad at me and he punched my metal door and hurt his hand. I made him an ice pack out of red pantyhose, and we both said sorry...ten minutes later, I'm Oinky again and he's a smelly terrorist. Also, star fruit is sooo damn good. Not the taste, but the novelty. I must go watch Boondock Saints now.

It was night. The good kind of night. The air was crisp and fresh. I took a deep breath. I looked up and saw a thousand stars in a flawless sky. The ground was bathed in luminous silvery moonlight. Another deep breath. I laid down on the soft grass and gazed at the stars while soft, slow songs played on repeat in my head. I closed my eyes. When I opened them back up, the soft silvery glow was still there, only it wasn't the moonlight anymore. It was just night.

AT LEAST THEY THINK I'M FUNNY!

I went to the bank this morning and wrote some dumb letter in the suggestion box in children's handwriting. It went a little like this: "The bank should give every person a bar of chocolate, except the people that are allergic. You should give them Jolly Ranchers. When you give people candy, you should say, "We like you very much." This will cut down on bank robbery. Also, this bank smells funny."
I couldn't stop laughing. When I finally clamed my ass down, my friend brought up the incident again...as I'm drinking a frappaccino and he's driving us down 400. I started laughing so hard that I spewed frappaccino all over the car and me and him. I think that that was the funniest, most unsexy thing I've ever done in front of a guy AND IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! I want to do shit like that all the time! My Sweet Lord, why am I so Goddamn amusing?

NOBODY ELSE IS GONNA THINK THIS IS FUNNY.
So I just got out of th Hospital because yesterday, my brain broke. I came up from walking my dog and all of a sudden I got really dizzy and I started having blurred vision and seeing double. I then took out my contacts because I thought maybe it was just that I had slept in them. Still see double and stumbling because I'm so dizzy that both me and the room are spinning. Then I put on my glasses, but to no avail...I try to get online to find the eye doctor's phone number, but I could see enough to type. I run ito the bathroom to look at my eyes. My right eye is completely paralyzed. It has suddenly gone lazy. I try to call Armon for help, he is working, but he finally answers. I call the eye doctor and they tell me to go to the Emergency Room, so I call Armon back and make him drive me because he broke my car in the first place. We finally get to the E.R. and I stumble in so they rush up with a wheel chair and try to make me fill out paper work and I begin cracking up because I can't see. Armon fills out my paper work and we go sit and wait. I still fill ultra dizzy, like I've been drunk for a week or something. Waiting room 2 hours later..."I hope I don't have an anurism....my eye is fuckin' creeping me out. I am now officially allowed to make fun of people with lazy eyes...that shit is so creey" I laugh. Armon wheels me up and down the halls as I moan, "
Braaaaiiiiiinssssss!!!!", where is my video camera. This is hilarious. One more hour later, we finally see a doctor. He tells me my right eye is paralzyed. (tell me something I don't know). The nurse comes in to do my IV, she stabs me about 11 times in my left arm while my dad is sitting next to her in a chringing and yelling at her, "get it in! Ewww! Hurry! Did you get it yet?" She finally switches to my right arm. I get carted off for a CAT scan and MRI. I make jokes about how I will have to get a blouse with ruffles to match the eye patch for my lazy eye. The Doctor comes back and tells me I had a blood vessel burst in my brain (kind of like an anurism.) that's what I get for joking about that sort of thing. They keep me over night. Boring. I have to go have heart work on Monday. Why do I find this so amusing?