Distracted Discourse

And Here is the Problem:
I love boys. Boys are funny. They make jokes about how farting is gross, and about dumb sluts, bitches, and hoes. And I laugh! I can't help it. I know I should get offended, or find their sense of humor to be nothing more than the babblings of beings of lesser intelligence, but it's so funny. I make jokes back, and they are just as bad.
"Yeah dude, some bitches just talk too much, you know? you're trying to get down and she just keeps yackin' about the new Prada handbag she just bought. For this there is one solution. Duct Tape. Slap some over that bitches mouth. Yeah, that'll shut her up. No, I know what you're thinking and I swear this works man, she will think you're just really kinky and she'll like the way you tke control. It's not your fault and bitches gotta talk all the dam time."
Yes, that was from my mouth. Horrific isn't it? I mean we were kidding and all, but I'm a girl. I shouldn't kid like that. Then came the next topic of conversation: When chciks have a killer body, but a busted face.
"Slap a paper bag over her head. You can even paste a picture of a hot chicks face on the bag, that way you can pretend it's her instead."
I am so awful. I'm just gonna blame it on the fact that I hang out with too many boys and they forget that I'm still a girl. It's serious I've heard shit that girls are NEVER supposed to hear.

While Chillin' at the Tattoo Shop with the Boys:

MARM:Hey, remember that asian chick we both used to fuck?
JASON: Hell yeah, she was a real trooper.
ME: What? You guys used to do the same girl?
MARM: Yeah, well, I guess she was kinda dting Jason or something, or they were fucking or whatever, and I was his roommate, so when they finished somwtimes she'd just come over to my room and we'd go at it for a while.
JASON: Hell yeah, she was a freak too. She was all about getting it in the ass.
ME: Umm...
MARM: yeah, she liked her hair pulled and shit too. You know what the worst thing is? When you're with a new chick and you just kinda want to test the waters so you try to slip it in her ass, like an oops wrong hole kind of deal and she gives you the swat.
JASON: Fuck! I fuckin' hate that shit! Whenever I get the swat I just wanna punch a bitch in the back of the head it's so fuckin' aggravating!
ME: Ummm, guys...Hello? Girl here!
It continues and gets worse...I'll save that for another day

And It's not like i can fix this by dressing more girly because then my guy friends remember that I'm a girl and they hit on me and then i get all uncomfortable and stuff. What a mess! Also, out of the whole 2 friends I have that are girls that I hang out with a bunch, one acts like a boy just as much as I do. Help!

*The picture of the tattoo guys is not a picture of Jason or Marm, just a random internet image.

Observation:
Today as I was walking to class. I saw a guy walking down the street doing the thug walk. For those of you that don't know: The thug walk, it's the head cocked to the side, walkin' like you have a limp and a paralyzed arm that swing alongs side of your body as you dip down and come back up with each step. The guy was wearing baggy pants, a doo-rag under a blue fitted baseball cap, and had some huge bling necklace around his neck. He seemed to be very content in his moring stroll to class.

Is it just me or do rock stars sound so much more rock n' roll when they have a British accent?

ADVENTURES IN PAINTING (You didn't think such things could exist. Did you?)
We are painting the room a deep dark red. I have red paint on my hands and feet
HIM: Ahh!
ME: What?
HIM: Nothing!
ME: Nothing my ass! Don't bullshit me! What's the matter.
HIM: It's nothing really, just a little oops spot.
ME: An oops spot?
I look over.
ME: Yeah, just a little oops spot that's about the size of a red Texas on my ceiling.
HIM: I'm sorry!
ME: I'm not mad. red paint falls in my face. Ahh!
HIM: What the matter?
ME: Ohmig-d! Thank G-d for my glasses. I would have totally ended up with paint in my eye. Awwww, now there's paint all over my glasses.
HIM: You're seeing red!
ME: haha! Aren't you a comic genius!
HIM: You don't always have to be so mean to me you know.
ME: You like it.

I run over to tell Mercedes about how I just Flicked this jackass off:
ME: I just flicked this jackass off!
HER: Really why?
ME: He said he wanted me to show him my boobs, so I go yeah, I'll show you something. Then I did this!
I extend my middle finger while holding out my thumb
HER: Aww that's so cute! You don't even know how to flick people off right!
ME: What are you talking about?
She pulls me over to a boy at the bar.
HER: Flick him off.
I repeat the motion. He laughs.
HER: Tuck your thumb in next time.

If I had the balls, I would write a letter to my roommate that goes a little something like this:
Dear Unintelligent-part-of-female-anatomy-that-I-dislike-more-than-anything-I-can-think-of-at-the-moment,
I am moving into a fantastic apartment tomorrow and for next month's rent I am giving you $125 because you owe my father $175 and another $98 for that impressive phone bill you rang up. Also, I don't care if this ruins my credit because I alreday have a place to live so ha! You are a bad person and I wish ill upon all of your future ventures in both work and life. I hope Focker doesn't die of malnutrition. (More obscenities here.) Rot in hell a.k.a. your future dwelling place. Love,
Miranda Brooke Baras

I went to my parents house yesterday, only to find a big post card with George and Laura Bush on it addressed to my dad. I was so horrified that I wrote him a letter. It went something like this:

DAD!!!
How could you contribute to such a moronic and ignorant cause! That is so anti-semetic it makes me sick. Since when did you become a self-hating neo nazi? We will discuss this later! <3- Miranda

No one makes passes at Girls wearing glasses.

PETE: Who would win the fight? A Girraffe or a hippo?
ME: The giraffe. By the way, yoiu are almost as odd as me.

ME: (To shrink) Yeah, my parents just want the customer service.
SHRINK: WHAT?
ME: You know, the customer service. You tell them you're sorry and then explain how you're going to fix things, even if you don't really mean it. It's what they want to hear.
SHRINK: Where did you come up woth that?
ME: I just made it up. That's what it is isn't it.
SHRINK: (To my dad) Well I can't say that you have an unintelligent daughter.

PETE: Last night I was watching this comedy sketch with Andy Dick and he introduced his kid as Doiley! Doiley, can you believe it! How long have I been joking about Doiley?
ME:Oh, for your sake!
PETE: Haha! For my sake that's funny! I should start walking up to people and say things like, "Hi, I'm Pete and for my sake..."

I really want to write Arthur Miller a letter, but I can't find any contact info for him. Would anyone know how to go about doing such a thing?

As If There Wasn't Already Enough Annoyance in The World

SORORITY GIRL: Have you ever thought about joining a sorority?
ME: No, not really.
INNER MONOLOGUE: She's nice, don't tell her that you're completely against paying for a group of moronic friends that will fine you for not smiling enough and wearing pajamas to class.
ME: Why?
SORORITY GIRL: Well, my sisters are having a meet and greet and Peachtree Tavern on Tuesday night and you seem really nice and I have a class with you, so I thought I'd invite you to come.
INNER MONOLOGUE: Why is she so fucking nice! Argh!
ME: Sure, what time?
SORORITY GIRL: (beaming) I think it's going to be at 7:00. I'll have one of my sisters call you.
ME: Ok, thanks.
INNER MONOLOGUE: G-d that was painful.
Wednesday rolls around.
INNER MONOLOGUE: Hey, that stupid sorority biotch never called you!
ME: You're right, I didn't even wanna go. I was just trying to be nice.
INNER MONOLOGUE: Like you were really gonna join Sigma Kappa Pi Alpha anyways.
ME: I know, it's just the principal of the thing. I didn't even want to join, but she kept harassing me until I felt bad enough to go and then she didn't even call! What a stupid sorority biatch! Greek life sucks!

ATTENTION BOYFRIEND: I WANT MY HOMOSEXUAL BACK!
ME: So do you know where you're going to college yet?
HIM: I'm pretty sure it's gonna be either Indiana or Chicago. Why?
ME: I thought you wanted to live together?
HIM: I do, but I want to be close to Boyfriend. I think he's going to Northwestern. He's really smart.
ME: (trying to play it cool) But what about Vegas? And Pajama Parties?
HIM: I mean, we can still have those when you come to visit.
ME: What about our sex slave idea!?!
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: You gotta keep your cool!
HIM: I don't think Boyfriend's going to approve.
ME: No, we were supposed to get married and live in a two bedroom loft in Vegas and have people over to pleasure us that we would kick out post-orgasm so we could have pajama parties! Remember?
HIM: We came up with that when we were 16.
ME: What's your point? And...we were gonna get married when we turn 28. Did you forget that too?
HIM: I think homosexual marriage will be very legal by then.
ME: You're gonna ditch me for a guy? What happened to "Chicks before Dicks" man?
HIM: I think you're overreacting.
ME: Well maybe I am!
HIM: Maybe we should finish this conversation later.
ME: Maybe we should.
HIM: Ok Scooter, I love you.
ME: I love you too. Miss you.
HIM: MIss you too. I'll talk to you soon.
ME: Ok, take care.
HIM: You too. Bye baby.
ME: Bye.
*The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent...and not so innocent.

PHONE: Please leave a message at the tone...(beep!)
ME: Hey, Jamie. It's Miranda. I was just calling because I know you have kitties and I was going to give mine away and...
PHONE: You have 8 seconds to finish your message.
ME: And I have to finish this in 8 seconds, like that bad Luke Perry movie. Um...Call me back!
INNER MONOLOGUE: Man that 8 second crap is so obnoxious!
ME: I know!

The Phone Rings:
ME: Hey! Ohmigosh, remember when we went through that phase where we thought that all food would taste better with a hint of lime?
DREW: Yeah, that was funny shit!
ME: We thought we were such revolutionaries!
DREW: (Laughing) I know! What the fuck was wrong with us?
ME: Beats me.

PHILOSOPHER: Do you think that being funny is a genetic inherited trait?
ME: G-d, I hope not! I mean my Dad is funny and all, but it's more in that kooky kind of Hey, "My Dog Skip" is on again and I'm going to steal all of your Outkast cd's kind of way. Also, I don't really know my mom, so I'm not sure if she's funny. She's country, but I don't think that's genetics, I think it's location. Wait a minute...you're not really a philosopher are you?
PHILOSOPHER: No, not really.
ME: I thought so. I would take the time to stop a minute and be upset about all of this, but I think instead I shall go and write a Billy Idol Cover Song called, "Talking With Myself". It's basically the same principal as playwriting right?
PHILOSOPHER: Yeah, I guess that's right.
ME: Exactly!

ME: (To her) He beat me in Scrabble!
HER: Hot! (Glaring at him) Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to like you.
ME: (To him) I told ya so.

HER:(skeptically glancing at him) I'm not supposed to like you, you know?
ME: He beat me in Scrabble!
HER: Oh my G-d that's hot!
ME: (To him) Told ya so.

MORE THINGS FROM MY PERVERTED MIND:

MY INNER MONOLOGUE: For some reason, I thnk that if Satan took the form of a mortal he'd be really good in the sack and look something like this. Sex with tatoos and a gun...yum.

THE BUMPER STICKER SAID:

POODLE: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
WEIMARANER: Where's my busy bee!?!

POODLE: I demolished that tasteless excuse for a chew toy hours ago.

CONVERSATION WITH JESUS

ME: So, I started reading the Bible the other day.
JESUS: Why the sudden curiosity?
ME: I dunno, I mean it inspires so much art and music and faith, I just figured maybe I should check it out for myself and see what it was all about.
JESUS: Aren't you jewish?
ME: Yeah, but the first five books of the bible are the same as the torah. This way I can learn about judaism and see what we're missing by not being christian. I haven't gotten to the part with you in it yet. They do mention you a bunch though don't they.
JESUS: I guess, I mean I am the son of G-d and I did die for man's sins and all.
ME: I don't believe that...no offense, I mean you're a cool guy and all.
JESUS: None taken, I was a jew too you know.
ME: You know what I never understood? Jews for you! Isn't that like the main difference between judaism and christianity?
JESUS: I don't get it either. I stopped trying to understand years ago.
ME: When you were ressurected why didn't you become a crime fighting super hero? If I got to come back from the dead I would totaly do that shit!
JESUS: Who says I'm not a crime fighting super hero?
ME: Touche!

Will someone please tell me why the song, "Me So Horny" was banned from MTV and radio?

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A FUN BLOG READER ACTIVITY!

Fill in the blank:
I am a _______aholic.
You are a _________aholic.
Your mom is a _______aholic.
Jesus is a _______aholic.

Good Date:
* Comic Book Shopping
* Tater Tot Eating
* Pirate Gang Starting
* Dead Baby Joke Telling
* Scrabble Playing


Bad Date:
* Fleeing From Bees
* Accidentally Driving to Tennessee
* Forgetting Driver's License in GA
* Not Finding Stars to Gaze At in Tennessee
* Driving Home for 2 Hours From Pointless Road Trip
* Being Paranoid That Cops Will Pull You Over and You're Driving With No License.

Annoying Catch Phrases:
* "No Way!"
* "Get Out!"
* "You're Kidding!"
* "For Real."

Fun Catch Phrases:
* "Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo Stick!"
* "Word"
* "Fresh for 88, suckas!"
* "All That and a Bag of Chips"

Personal Ad

Lookin' For Love in All The Wrong Places Hi, my name is Lila. I enjoy taking long walks on polluted city sidewalks and playing drunken games of twister. My turn-ons include: covalent bonding and polygamy. My turn-offs are: children and socialism. My dream man is not even a fraction Canadian.

PHILOSOPHER: I imagine G-d would look something like this.

ADVENTURES IN SHOPPING

HER: Damn it! Everything is too big! Why don't they make children's size bondage wear?
ME: Do you really need an answer for that?
HER: heehee. It's not my fault I'm tiny.
ME: That just means you're cuter. Tiny things are always cute.
HER: (Mischievious smile) Not always...

*Yep, she was referring to penis folks!

Important Question:

ME: Well, what do you do if he tries to get fresh with you and you really don't want to hook-up with him?
HER: You wait till he pulls down his pants and then start laughing histerically while saying, "awww, that's so cute! I've never seen one like that on a grown up person before!"
ME: (LAUGHING) And if that doesn't work?
HER: Kick him in the nuts and run...fast.

Thought Bubble


PHILOSOPHER: I wonder what would happens when your thought bubble bursts?

MOM: When we get to your grandma's house you better have All of your tattoos covered.
ME: Why? Doesn't she know about them.
MOM: Yes, but they're disgusting to look at. I don't know why you have to do these things to yourself.
ME: It's my body and I like my tattoos.
MOM: Why did you have to get so many? You're going to regret those when you're older. And why do you have to have THREE holes in your tounge. That's just sick.
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: She wants you to say it's for fallacio. She won't believe anything else you tell her anyway. However, saying that will really piss her off and she's already mad.
ME: I think the piercings look cool.
MOM: I don't know why you have to shame the family this way. Tattoos are against the jewish religion you know?
ME: Yeah, and so are piercings, and I got my ears done when I was 4, so I think we already broke that rule.
MOM: Why do you do these things? You don't have it so bad. You have a bunch of friends and a great boyfriend that that loves you.
ME:We broke up a month ago Mom.
MOM: What!?! Why?
ME: I started seeing someone that I really liked, so I broke up with him.
MOM: Who? What's their name?
ME: Crystal.
MOM: Oh my G-d! Are you saying that you're gay now?!?
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: No, I ride too much cock to be gay. Wait...can't say that.
ME: No, I'm just telling the truth.
MOM: And what the hell is that giant bruise on your arm from?
ME: My friend John punched me.
MOM: Why are you letting men hit you.
ME: (serious look) Because I'm a massochist Mom, I like it.
MY INNER MONOLOGUE: And you've rendered her speechless. Bravo!

MY SHIRT: "Good Bush" "Bad Bush"
CO-WORKER: I don't know, I think that no bush tends to be better. That or the mohawk. Then you can go scalping. (Lets out an Indian war cry while making obscene tounge gestures.)
ME: It's been a very slow day hasn't it?
CO-WORKER: How could you tell?
ME: Just a feeling.

ME: You really want to play scarbble with me?
HIM: Sure, but you're gonna lose.
ME: I don't think so. I mean, maybe we shouldn't play. I hate to make boys cry on the first date.
HIM: OK, it's definitely on now. I'm gonna whoop your ass.
ME: You wish. This is so hot!
HIM: What?
ME: That you'd actually play scrabble on a first date with me. I'm dorky like that.
HIM: You're not gonna stop seeing me or someting if I win are you?
ME: No, it'll probably just turn me on or something.
HIM: Prepare to lose!